I recently appeared on the “Slipping Up” podcast, hosted by my friend,
. In this podcast series, he conducts conversations with various people about the failures they observe in their professions and their personal failures. We discussed both. We had a great discussion, which you can watch here on Substack. Viewing note: Although Mike was on his best behavior, he used a couple of words that aren’t right for little ears. You may not want to watch with your children nearby.When Mike invited me to his podcast, he said he wanted to discuss parenting failure. A few months ago, I defended my dissertation on parenting and theology and spent the following months rewriting and editing it into book form. Nothing in my upcoming book is directly about parenting failure. Not only have I not written about it, but this is a topic I hadn’t thought about much – until Mike brought it up.
After reflecting on this issue, I identified three general types of parenting failure. I will discuss each of these over the next few weeks. The name I’ve given to the first type of parenting failure is unexpected and almost humorous, but after you hear more about it, you’ll likely relate. All parents are guilty of some form of genetic parenting failure.
My genetic parenting failure story (or at least one of them)
On a Thursday night in the fall of 2000, my wife, Linda, and I realized that our childhood experiences were different. We were quizzing our oldest daughter, Emily, on the words assigned for her first spelling test the next day. Before the study session was over, all three of us were crying. Linda looked at me and said, “What’s happening?” I looked up, “This is just normal.” Surprised, she whispered, “Not for me.”
For Linda, spelling came naturally; she aced it throughout school. My experience was quite different. Each Monday, I would bring home the assigned words for the week and begin working on them that night. By Thursday, I might have learned how to spell a few of the words, but the others came slowly and with many tears.
Spelling isn’t a natural skill for me. It has always been a challenging subject, and I don’t know where I would be now without spell check. Unfortunately, my daughters inherited my spelling difficulties. I passed down tear-filled Thursday nights. Even though it’s something we laugh about now, this is an example of genetic parenting failure.
A silver lining?
Other examples include character traits, body types, hair color, temperament, and both minor and more serious diseases. Parents often wince when they realize that their teenager has inherited their quick temper, will probably be called “shorty” like they were, or will have to take medications for migraine headaches just like they do. We don’t want our kids to inherit our problems. But they often do.
It turns out there is a clear advantage to this often-frustrating situation. If we pass down our problems to our kids, we can empathize and help since we’ve walked the same path. Thinking it through, it’s far better that our kids inherit our problems rather than someone else’s, about which we know nothing!
When Emily cried on Thursday nights over the upcoming spelling test, I was disappointed that her difficulty was at least partially my fault. At the same time, I understood her frustration because I had also shared that experience. Over time, I found ways to deal with my difficulty spelling, and hopefully, I was able to pass those on to her.
How can God relate? God doesn’t have DNA!
There are no divine genetic failures to pass on to us, yet God can participate in a similar process with us. Most people who believe in God or a god-like presence think that God remembers us and our lives. The theologian Charles Hartshorne thought that God perfectly remembers everything we experience or feel. He also thought these retained memories contribute to God’s immortal life. In this way, our decisions, actions, and lives become part of God as memories in the divine life.
From a Christian perspective, God experienced human life through the experiences and feelings of Jesus. The relationship between Jesus and God serves as an example of how God relates to us, if God also sees and remembers our experiences and feelings. God understands the experience of life as a human not only because of Jesus’ life, but also because of ours.
This idea is reassuring. God saw and understood my feelings on a Thursday night in fourth grade when I cried because I couldn’t spell all the words on the spelling list. Since that experience became part of God’s everlasting memory, God empathizes with my kids when they face similar struggles.
We understand what it’s like when our children struggle, just as we did. We suffer with them and point them to possible ways of overcoming their challenges. Even though God doesn’t directly experience the same failures, the divine memory holds my experiences and those of all the poor spellers before me. God uses these memories to suffer with and guide my girls toward flourishing.
What about unrelated parents?
The idea of understanding and guidance through genetic parenting failure doesn’t apply in cases like adoption, step-children, or when children face novel problems. In these situations, parents need different strategies.
Since adoptive parents and step-parents don’t share genetics with their children, they can find it difficult to relate to their struggles. Thankfully, parents are not helpless when their children inherit other people’s strengths and challenges. For example, my brother and sister-in-law, who are not musicians themselves, adopted my niece, who has significant genetic potential as a musician. Early in her life, they decided to learn as much as they could about her genetic background and surround her with the resources she needed to develop her full genetic potential. She was exposed to great music during infancy, received music lessons in early childhood, and more specialized training as she grew. Now, entering high school, she is an accomplished cellist and vocalist, surpassing the musical abilities of either of her parents. They understood that their struggles are different than their daughter’s and responded by learning all they could about her genetic abilities, guiding her toward her most fruitful possibilities.
Similar situations occur when children develop novel problems. In my pediatric practice, I care for several children with spina bifida. This life-changing condition is rare. Many parents of children with spina bifida have never encountered the issues their children will face. Like adoptive parents, these parents typically learn all they can about their children’s problems and connect with other parents in similar circumstances. However, they differ from adoptive parents because they do share genetics with their children, despite their children’s unique issues. For example, a child with spina bifida may be unable to run or play baseball, but may be an excellent reader and fisherman. His dad may have been great at baseball and literature, but his child’s new problem prevents him from succeeding at baseball. In this situation, parents must be creative as they connect their child’s success with their own, while understanding that their children may still inherit their other struggles.
Genetic parenting failure is a concept that might initially bring sadness because we don’t want our children to inherit our issues. As we consider our options, it seems better for them to face struggles we can help with than to develop new problems we don’t understand. When our children struggle in the same ways we did, we can express understanding, suffer with them, and help them see creative solutions.
When they struggle due to different genetic issues or novel problems, we can investigate and try to understand their unique situations, offering guidance based on our experiences as they apply to our children’s situations. We can expose them to diverse cultural, artistic, and ethnic experiences that support their development of unique skills.
Ultimately, God has experienced all that humanity has and suffers with us, directing us toward the next step, ultimately leading to overall well-being.
image: forge-flux ai
Great post!